It’s been a few years since viewers have seen fresh action from the crew at Lightning Wireless, but this return of the series is packed with intrigue, romance, and high-drama Wi-Fi. We learn that Carmen landed venture-capitalist Ferguson, as she is now CEO of Lightning- and the very affectionate Mrs. Ferguson. But what became of the former CIO and his undead brother? Speculation is that both have defected to the Special Ops branch of the Xirrian Air Force, but we’ve yet to see proof. Tino has left his life as a spy, and we see him toting an Ekahau Sidekick as he “surveys” the shapely new sales manager at Lightning’s new HQ. Meanwhile Terry is in a coma in Boise, of all places, with a handsome young doctor looking pained as he takes her vitals. We learn that Jim and Clare’s son Quinton is a wireless prodigy. The lad is a CWNE at 8 years old, and evidently can “see” the RF coming from the hot new new 11ax access points in company training room. We see his mysterious capabilities as the episode fades, with Billy Idol’s “Hot in the City” playing over the PA.
(Special mini-series episode 4)
Viewers are used to seeing Tino hacking away at something or other, but why is he seen half-naked with Daphne in the NOC at Lightning Wireless? It turns out it wasn’t Tino jumping out of the Xirrian Air Force plane on the mission to free Terry, it was his identical twin bother Claus! While Claus is fighting off 4-channel crazed 2.4 GHz tribesmen in far-off battle, Tino is fighting his way through Daphne’s outer garments- as the security cameras record the entire steamy scene and the two lovers redefine “uptime”.
Speaking of Terry… she finally has escaped the bonds of the creepy channel 14 warlord, who will soon be in trouble with his dark masters from Globo Gym. As she runs into her rescuers in the jungle, Mysterious Venture Capitalist Ferguson is shot through the clavicle with a poison-tipped dipole. His zombie brother drags him away, as Billy Idol’s “Hot in the City” plays softly in the background.
And in Carmen’s altered reality, we learn that Ramrod has mastered the time-travel app on his Wi-Fi cuff-links. Everyone knows he can’t be trusted, but while Stretchy Dutchman and Littlechris are street-brawling over a Multi-Gig uplink argument, Ramrod offers Carmen a way out of her predicament. As he sips his moonshine, he tells Carmen that he brought her to this bizarre place- and that only he can send her back to before she bumped her head. Ramrod whispers low what he wants in return, while Jenni-Fi gasps in fear. As the episode ends, Kiefer can be seen lighting the fuse on what looks like a Belair 200 access point as Sweet Georgia Brown limps past- clutching a T-bar mount from an Aruba 225.
Next Week: Carmen’s home- or is she? Daphne’s new tattoo, and somebody ends up dead
(Special mini-series episode 3)
All hell has broken out as the episode opens with a disturbing scene. Large Transaction is at the horse and cart track, muttering something about “payback” as he rams his mount into one fellow contestant after another. Idaho Pete goes down hard, and when Sweet Georgia Brown tries to help his pal, he’s mowed down too. Can nothing stop Large Transaction’s terror ride?
Meanwhile, Jenni-Fi is tormented. She confesses to Carmen that she has to choose between a new life as The Human Pretzel in the circus, or her current one as the resident Saloon Slapper (Jenni-Fi is demonstrating her open-hand slap across Ramrod’s handsomely chiseled face.) Outside Littlechris and Stretchy Dutchman are conducting an impromptu Anger Poetry Seminar For Blokes With Smashing Accents. Stretchy says something that is misunderstood, and Kiefer goes ballistic. Pretty soon everyone inside and out is beating the hell out of each other, swinging everything from old Cisco 340 access points to AppleTVs as Billy Idol’s Hot in the City is twanged out from a banjo in the background. Just before Carmen gets clocked upside the head with a Ruckus ZoneFlex 7363, she sees Ramrod touching what appears to be an LCD screen on his silver cuff link- as he disappears into a cloud of Cisco Teal-colored smoke.
Back in what may or may not be reality, Terry makes a play for freedom from the evil 4-channel warlord. She’s been saving tiny shavings from the channel 14 antennas she has been forced to whittle, and has enough to disguise herself as a giant Yagi. As the warlord dozes on his Globo Gym yoga mat, Terry slowly eases out of the mouth of the mine. She see’s the unmistakable markings of a Xirrian Air Force aircraft overhead, and parachutes in the sky. She smells freedom- but what’s that noise behind her?
Next Week: Scandal at Lightning Wireless, Daphne’s Secret, Ramrod’s magic wearables
(Special mini-series episode 2)
Carmen’s comatose trip into the bizarre continues. In her dream (if that’s what it is), she’s fallen in with an odd bunch of travelers going by stagecoach to something they call Wi-Fi Carnival. This altered reality is a weird mix of Old West meets the future in Silicon Valley, and Carmen’s head is spinning. As the group tools down a dirt road version of Sunnyvale’s First Avenue, Grey Stephen is trying to explain the goings on of Wi-Fi Carnival to a bewildered Carmen. In the back seat, Keifer the Wi-Fi Mystic can be heard telling Littlechris and Stretchy Dutchman to not make eye contact when they stop to pick up him.
As the wagon pulls over to allow two men to board, Carmen can see who Keifer was talking about. Before the door opens, Jenni-Fi gasps and utters in a low tone “…Ramrod!” One look at the tall stranger tells the group that trouble has found them. With skull cuff-links and a bottle of booze in hand, Ramrod makes the group nervous. But not as nervous as his travel companion, known only as LTT (Large Transaction on the Telegraph lines). Things are heating up.
Meanwhile, Commander Arrayo has headed back to the secret Xirrian Air Force base. He can be seen turning down the volume on Billy Idol’s “Hot in the City” as he radios a cryptic message… “QAM lives”. But who is he talking to? When Arrayo lands, Daphne and Grayson meet him on the flight line in a Lightning Wireless installation van, and they all smile smugly at each other.
Next Episode: Idaho Pete and Sweet Georgia Brown attacked, Carmen has a vision, Terry tries to escape.
(Special mini-series episode 1)
Venture Capitalist Ferguson has revealed to Lightning Wireless CIO that the evil 2.4 GHz 4-channel warlord holding Terry in the unpointium mines is actually a former FCC lobbyist now in cahoots with the TLPS-pushing madmen from Global Gym. Still deeply shamed by his past treatment of Terry over her RFP, the CIO is resolved to get her back. He strikes a deal with the secret Xirrian Air Force for a daring raid on the unpointium mines, but Commander Arrayo will only do the mission if his ex-wife, none other than Crazy Carmen, goes along. What could Arrayo have in mind?
A lot of familiar faces are dressed in Xirrian uniforms as Commander Arrayo brings them over the drop zone. Tino the hacker, Daphne, the CIO, his mysterious zombie brother, and even Ferguson all make the jump far above the mines. Carmen snugs her earbuds, cranks up Billy Idol’s “Hot in the City”, and steps from the plane- just as Arrayo jerks the aircraft causing it to bump Carmen in the head. Her chute deploys, but she’s out cold as she spirals toward the ground.
Carmen awakes (or does she?) in an old West stagecoach, surrounded by strangers that seem to know each other. The driver, Raymonio, shouts back to the group that they are almost to their first stop at Wi-Fi Carnival. As the scene fades, the one they call Grey Stephen asks Carmen if she’s ever been to San Jose before.
Next Episode: A Cast of Characters. Carmen meets her travel partners, including Keefer the Wi-Fi Mystic, Stretchy Dutchman, Littlechris, and Jenni-Fi.
An adventure begins.
After facing fines and exile for violating FCC jamming rules, Lightning Wireless is back in the spotlight- and teetering on the edge of bankruptcy. Carmen has gone back on her meds and is trying to woo Venture Capitalist Ferguson all over again to keep the struggling company afloat, while the CIO pins his hopes for financial salvation on the new flexible Yagi antenna line. Terry has done well to secure the source of the precious unpointium used in the flexible Yagis, but it’s still a mystery what happened to her during the time she lost her memory at the hands of the 4-channel-crazed 2.4 GHz warlord. Meanwhile, Tino’s secret training as a pilot in the Xirrian Air Force may be compromised, as Daphne stumbled across the secret Xirrian base while driving around trying to come to grips with the loss of her Outlaw Hip-Hop lovers (Phy and Qam- killed in the nightclub shootout). Finally, it’s pretty clear that the CIO’s dead brother isn’t so dead, as we see him scoring a pallet full of illegal access point mounting hardware at the riverfront. As he hands over the cash to an attractive young woman, Billy Idol’s “Hot in the City” blares in the background.
The women and men of Lightning Wireless are back in the Valley for their annual holiday get-together, but high drama is afoot. Intern Marla thinks she has found proof that the Jackson Heights project is just a cover for a secret facility for the Xirrian Air Force, but when she tells the CIO he laughs it off- perhaps a little too emphatically. Carmen’s blind date is run down crossing West Java Drive, by a driver-less car with no markings (it appears to be blaring Billy Idol’s “Hot in the City”). As he expires, he utters something about investigating the Xirrians flying secret saucers out of Google’s facilities and hands her a MicroSD card as the police arrive. Meanwhile, a rescue appears to be under way in Africa to free captive Terry from the 4-channel-crazed 2.4 GHz warlord. Surprisingly, Tino is leading the operation- along with… mysterious Venture Capitalist Ferguson? And just when it can’t get any weirder, Daphne is seen getting dropped off in front of the Lightning corporate office by none other than Flavor Flav, with what appears to be an AirTight C-60 dangling from a thick gold chain around his neck.
As Terry seals the deal to purchase the raw materials for Lightning Wireless’ new flexible Yagi antennas, the warlord who controls access to the unpointium mines insists on a celebratory toast. After one sip, Terry blacks out and wakes up dressed like Princess Leia, in a room surrounded by old FHSS wireless cards. Meanwhile, Tino has matured into a big-league hacker type, and we see him dressed as a copier repairman, calmly planting a Wi-Fi Pineapple as he hums Billy Idol’s “Hot in the City”. But is he really carrying this attack out in The Kremlin? Last we saw of Baby Patrick, his first word spoken was “Ekahau”, which sent Jim into a rage. Just when it seems that Clare and Jim can work things out, Jim hears the baby say “Heatmapper”. Clare cringes. As Jim tears out in a fury, she knows it’s over between them. Episode ends with a glimpse of Carmen, again dressed as Catwoman, using a Dremel tool to work a mini-USB adapter into what appears to be… an Etch-A-Sketch?
Catty Carmen is back in her office at Lightning Wireless, and up to her usual rants. As she throws a world-class fit about her new Samsung Note 3 not having “enough bars”, the service technician (guest star Robert Pattinson) silently opens the window and heaves the device into the Howard River. Meanwhile, Daphne’s days of duplicitous love come to a violent end when a melee breaks out at the hip-hop club, and both of her Outlaw Wireless Rap-star lovers are killed- but who shot first, Phat Channel or QAM? We briefly see Tino in some sort of para-military uniform evidently at a hacker training facility, but why is the instructor speaking Arabic? Finally, Terry (still in Africa) waits to hear whether the warlord is willing to deal for unpointium, the metal to be used in her company’s new flexible Yagi antennas. As he contemplates whether to play ball, the warlord hums Billy Idol’s “Hot in the City”.
Tonight on Wi-Fi Wives: Secret Wi-Fi Technology, Marketing Run Amok, CIO Sees a Ghost
What appeared to be a rocket pod on Carmen’s SUV that she had aimed at Riley’s house turns out to be some sort of secret WLAN technology. It’s not clear what the device is, but we overhear Riley’s animated conversation about her “10x better Wi-Fi” as Carmen’s face is illuminated in the glow of a very peculiar looking tablet computer. At Lightning Wireless, the marketing team has a melt-down. Donovan wants to push yet another truth-stretching whitepaper about the company’s products, while Marisol has had enough of the Big Talker’s antics. The rest of the team takes sides, and things get pretty ugly; even lovebirds Eugene and Rhonda seem to be at each other’s throats. We see the CIO playing basketball at the fitness center during the annual Day Out event. Though he’s on fire with his usual impressive skyhook shot, he freezes when a shadowy figure is seen at the scorekeeper’s table. Could it really be- the “person” resembles his brother, recently killed in the yagi antenna incident. Meanwhile, Terry and Darcy seem to be hatching some sort of plot via Skype, but who’s the target?